Wednesday, August 09, 2006
12 steps to a good night's sleep
By Derek Mohninger
First, I guess I should mention that I went through and fixed a few of the obvious grammatical and spelling mistakes from my previous post which means it's just as bad but more flamboyant. I guess I was getting a little morose at the end there for which I apologize to all my fan out there. No, I didn't forget the "s."
As I mentioned in the title, I'm going to tell you how to get a good night's sleep in 12 easy steps:
1. Make sure you had a really bad sleep the night before. I'm talking about the kind of sleep where you lie in bed wondering why the heck, even though you have your eyes closed, you don't feel the least bit tired. What a rip, right? But this 24 hour period sans any rem sleep will guarantee that work sucks and sucks hard.
2. Come home and try to put as much of a 500 piece puzzle together at the chiding and begging of your sadistic 8 year old. I'm sure she's not really sadistic, but she kept saying "my precious" under her breath a lot. Managed only to get all four corners started, too, before I remembered I wanted to post that previous blog entry.
3. Ask your wife at 9pm if she minds if you go to bed. Going to bed early means that you don't get to help put the kids to bed, and although they brush their teeth themselves and put their own pajamas on, your wife still seems to express that this event is somewhat of a chore. Actually, with Rylee it can be. You feel like relating the fact that being up at 5:30am while she wakes up at 7 or 8am should allow you a little leeway in the scheduling of you sleep time, but you're too tired, so you just grunt something, kiss the girls good night and go prepare for bed.
4. I hate flossing!
5. Sleep.
6. Wake up at 12:30am to the sounds of a huge explosion. It's Armageddon and you're expecting a fiery asteroid to come crashing through the window. Calm down! It was just thunder. You can go back to sleep now...
7....Wait! You left the window on the van open! There wasn't supposed to be any rain tonight! Should you chance it? Aw, crap! You call your wife's name, somehow rationalizing that she should be the one to go close the window. After you repeat her name a couple of times with no answer you reach over to gently shake her only to find a much smaller human beside you. That's not your wife! It's Rylee!
8. Rain starts to fall outside. You wrestle with your shorts and pull a t-shirt on inside out, heading towards the front door. On the way you scold yourself for thinking that your wife should be the one to head outside since it was you who left the window open in the first place. You get outside and it really starts to pour. Fiddling with the window, you realize that you can't close it because it's one of those angular pop-out windows and you've forgotten the keys inside. You are now drenched.
9. Get the keys, go back outside and close the window. Seek the warmth of your house. You might as well have been swimming in your clothes.
10. Go to the bathroom.
11. Lie down in bed and realize that you can't hear the rain anymore. It has stopped.
12. Cry yourself back to sleep.
There you go! If you follow these 12 simple steps you'll have the courage to slap Tony Little in his smug face while the pink giraffe king orders you to polka with his daughter a mere 70 more times. Blaaaaaaaaaah!
First, I guess I should mention that I went through and fixed a few of the obvious grammatical and spelling mistakes from my previous post which means it's just as bad but more flamboyant. I guess I was getting a little morose at the end there for which I apologize to all my fan out there. No, I didn't forget the "s."
As I mentioned in the title, I'm going to tell you how to get a good night's sleep in 12 easy steps:
1. Make sure you had a really bad sleep the night before. I'm talking about the kind of sleep where you lie in bed wondering why the heck, even though you have your eyes closed, you don't feel the least bit tired. What a rip, right? But this 24 hour period sans any rem sleep will guarantee that work sucks and sucks hard.
2. Come home and try to put as much of a 500 piece puzzle together at the chiding and begging of your sadistic 8 year old. I'm sure she's not really sadistic, but she kept saying "my precious" under her breath a lot. Managed only to get all four corners started, too, before I remembered I wanted to post that previous blog entry.
3. Ask your wife at 9pm if she minds if you go to bed. Going to bed early means that you don't get to help put the kids to bed, and although they brush their teeth themselves and put their own pajamas on, your wife still seems to express that this event is somewhat of a chore. Actually, with Rylee it can be. You feel like relating the fact that being up at 5:30am while she wakes up at 7 or 8am should allow you a little leeway in the scheduling of you sleep time, but you're too tired, so you just grunt something, kiss the girls good night and go prepare for bed.
4. I hate flossing!
5. Sleep.
6. Wake up at 12:30am to the sounds of a huge explosion. It's Armageddon and you're expecting a fiery asteroid to come crashing through the window. Calm down! It was just thunder. You can go back to sleep now...
7....Wait! You left the window on the van open! There wasn't supposed to be any rain tonight! Should you chance it? Aw, crap! You call your wife's name, somehow rationalizing that she should be the one to go close the window. After you repeat her name a couple of times with no answer you reach over to gently shake her only to find a much smaller human beside you. That's not your wife! It's Rylee!
8. Rain starts to fall outside. You wrestle with your shorts and pull a t-shirt on inside out, heading towards the front door. On the way you scold yourself for thinking that your wife should be the one to head outside since it was you who left the window open in the first place. You get outside and it really starts to pour. Fiddling with the window, you realize that you can't close it because it's one of those angular pop-out windows and you've forgotten the keys inside. You are now drenched.
9. Get the keys, go back outside and close the window. Seek the warmth of your house. You might as well have been swimming in your clothes.
10. Go to the bathroom.
11. Lie down in bed and realize that you can't hear the rain anymore. It has stopped.
12. Cry yourself back to sleep.
There you go! If you follow these 12 simple steps you'll have the courage to slap Tony Little in his smug face while the pink giraffe king orders you to polka with his daughter a mere 70 more times. Blaaaaaaaaaah!
